it's been a long time

since I've written anything. And wow, how my timetohavealife really has ended in a different sort of life than I thought, or dreamed possible, all that while ago when I started this blog. I mean, I have a child. A different house, a different job, a different man, a different sense of priorities and expectations of life, and dreams and hopes. I lost a cat, and found new friends and support.

It's all so very surreal. I find myself a little circular, now returning to the notion of a more simple, stress free, or rather, stress managed better, life. The things that are really important to me are becoming more apparent, and in recent weeks it's like a veil has been lifted off my soul, and my eyes have been opened. I'm not fully ready to share those thoughts here or with the people they matter, but I'm coming to the conclusion that I need to, and need to soon, because you know, sometimes things just need to be said. Equally sometimes they don't, and I need to find the balance.

Anyway...it's all been a bit of a whirlwind, and the dust is slowly beginning to settle down around me, and my new family, and sometimes it's joyous, and sometimes it's tough and painful, but for the most part, it's beautiful, and she's beautiful, and that's all that matters.

Struggling

I admit it, for once, hands up, I struggled this week. I think the weekends have been so good, and I have been able to spend time with close friends and family, that through the week I find myself a bit lost and unsure. I need to get better at filling my evenings, I cannot sit at home every night by myself. I need to recognise that time alone in the evenings is ok, but I must be productive - books must be read, the house must be tidied and sorted, I must go for walks even when the weather is bad, put on an exercise DVD, otherwise I slump, and begin to fall into hole.

However, I will be easy on myself this week - my friend is departing these shores to somewhere vastly more exciting, and I will miss her so much. I had spent a lovely weekend with friends and family - I'm always going to be a little low after that. The nights are drawing in, and the weather has changed, the seasons have changed, and I always struggle with that at this point in the year.

So onwards, and upwards, and forwards and not down and out.

I have been productive today, I have plans, I have plans for next weekend, I have some motivation back. Thats all that matters, and I will act upon it!

settling into my new life

Since my last blog post I've continued to settle into my new life. It's funny. Life carries on as before, but I'm continually adjusting to what my life now is.

Funny, it's the small things - cooking for one, making do with what I have in the house, pleasing myself in the evenings, and weirdly, taking more effort to look after the house. The cat has joined me in bed now, which is nice, apart from when he wants to wake me up. Remembering my keys every time I leave the house is now a habit I have to form.

And yes, there are lows. Not as many as I thought there would be, but some nonetheless.

And bigger changes to come, with new jobs in the horizon, friends travelling....and I don't want to lose the whole feeling that my life has opened up and life is exciting. I've felt that I'm losing that a little this week, and there's a slippery slope I don't want to go down, so I need to find ways to turn that around.

It may just be that autumn is upon us. And we never even got a summer.

it really is time to have a life.

I had a glance through all my blog posts, and realised, that without knowing, I had been talking about the major choices I have made this summer. I didn't even know I was making them, until I did, but I quite clearly, subconciously have had them on my mind for quite some time.

Anyway, I face the tail end of summer as a new single lady (he did put a ring on it, but I chose to take it off). It's a huge change. Sorry, that should read, a HUGE change. I sitll have my cat, which is something indeed. In fact, thats who I now share a bed with. I'm still working in my job (although that will change in winter), and I have been embraced by a huge outpouring of love and support by all my family and friends. It's been an uplifting thing in an otherwise horrible situation. Horrible, but necessary.

So now....the future. Wow, a little overwhelming, but exciting nonetheless. Good days, bad days, strange days. Right now I just deal with what comes my way, and accept feelings of all kinds are fleeting.

So today. The sun is shining, I'm going to watch some rugby and I have lovely plans for coffee and chats with friends tomorrow. My cat is happy and well, I get to spend some time with family today. Life's pretty good.

a weekend of ups and downs

Not even a week since my last post and I've gone through some ups and downs. Currently, I would perhaps say I'm on a reasonable even keel. How long that will last, will be anyones guess.

Two more days of work to get through and at least one will be easier than the other. A weekend with some promise of friends, music, company and drink. A house that's a little tidier than it was. I can see the end in sight in sorting it out. The prospect of some time with family thats well needed.

Reading this, I may come across as a bit doom and gloom, but I've come to realise I'm just worn out. I so often underestimate the effect of what goes on in my life, but I'm slowly and surely recognising and acknoledging it. Whether it'll help, I know not. Time will tell. I think the question is how long do I give it?

Being a grown up is a scary thing. I'd occasionally like someone else to make the choices for me. But that won't happen.

Appraisals

...are horrible things. Currently working from home this afternoon (a very rare thing) and am using the peace to start writing my part of my appraisal. This is a scary one for me, not because the person doing it will be horrible to me, far from it, but because all my staff have to give feedback which is then given to me. I will really hear what they think about me. First time as a manager. I think I'm allowed to be nervous, regardless of how well I think I'm doing.

And the tiredness continues. More bad news, from someone close to me, about their health, weighs heavy on my soul. It's hard going, but not as hard as it is for them, so I keep things in perspective and vow again to look after myself better. Not that it would make any difference to them what they did, this is illness that has no explanation, but I should do everything in my power to do the best for me that I can.

So the good...as we should try to acknowledge that there is some in the world.
The sun is shining a little today. And I spent an evening meeting a new kitten this week. It's a bit like meeting a new baby, a new little soul into the world, so cute, so full of wonder and very very adorable. My cat looked like a giant when I returned home. My friend returns from holiday soon, it will be nice to see her. And the finanical burden is eased a little. Every penny helps.

the tiredness has passed

but in it's place a whole new can of worms has been opened, involving me needing to do serious thinking, talking, sharing. I'm not sure where this path will take me. Occasionally my mind wants to just do nothing, to continue along the path I'm going, but then I think back to the past few weeks, months and realise that apathy is an easy way to deal with things, because otherwise I have to make huge life changing decisions. And I'm not sure if I want to, if I'm really ready to, but I think I can no longer always continue on the path I'm on.

Maybe I just need to come through this process in order to deal with feeling about the situation I find myself in, to learn to adjust to what life has dealt me. Because I wasn't expecting what I've been given, and I find it unfair, unjust.

On the plus point, I've begun to tidy and sort out my house properly, and spent a domesticated morning pottering, and even made some stock for all the home cooking I need to do as I have little money.

I find myself drawn to blogs and sites that deal with living a greener, slower, thrifty life style, a path I really do need to go down. I spent quality time with some friends, embracing the dodgy weather this country throws at us, finding a new and beautiful place that I can't wait to visit again.

Up and downs. I guess that's the way of things. Sometimes I crave balance, but I'm sure, no, rather hopeful, that I'll find it some day.