a weekend of ups and downs

Not even a week since my last post and I've gone through some ups and downs. Currently, I would perhaps say I'm on a reasonable even keel. How long that will last, will be anyones guess.

Two more days of work to get through and at least one will be easier than the other. A weekend with some promise of friends, music, company and drink. A house that's a little tidier than it was. I can see the end in sight in sorting it out. The prospect of some time with family thats well needed.

Reading this, I may come across as a bit doom and gloom, but I've come to realise I'm just worn out. I so often underestimate the effect of what goes on in my life, but I'm slowly and surely recognising and acknoledging it. Whether it'll help, I know not. Time will tell. I think the question is how long do I give it?

Being a grown up is a scary thing. I'd occasionally like someone else to make the choices for me. But that won't happen.

Appraisals

...are horrible things. Currently working from home this afternoon (a very rare thing) and am using the peace to start writing my part of my appraisal. This is a scary one for me, not because the person doing it will be horrible to me, far from it, but because all my staff have to give feedback which is then given to me. I will really hear what they think about me. First time as a manager. I think I'm allowed to be nervous, regardless of how well I think I'm doing.

And the tiredness continues. More bad news, from someone close to me, about their health, weighs heavy on my soul. It's hard going, but not as hard as it is for them, so I keep things in perspective and vow again to look after myself better. Not that it would make any difference to them what they did, this is illness that has no explanation, but I should do everything in my power to do the best for me that I can.

So the good...as we should try to acknowledge that there is some in the world.
The sun is shining a little today. And I spent an evening meeting a new kitten this week. It's a bit like meeting a new baby, a new little soul into the world, so cute, so full of wonder and very very adorable. My cat looked like a giant when I returned home. My friend returns from holiday soon, it will be nice to see her. And the finanical burden is eased a little. Every penny helps.

the tiredness has passed

but in it's place a whole new can of worms has been opened, involving me needing to do serious thinking, talking, sharing. I'm not sure where this path will take me. Occasionally my mind wants to just do nothing, to continue along the path I'm going, but then I think back to the past few weeks, months and realise that apathy is an easy way to deal with things, because otherwise I have to make huge life changing decisions. And I'm not sure if I want to, if I'm really ready to, but I think I can no longer always continue on the path I'm on.

Maybe I just need to come through this process in order to deal with feeling about the situation I find myself in, to learn to adjust to what life has dealt me. Because I wasn't expecting what I've been given, and I find it unfair, unjust.

On the plus point, I've begun to tidy and sort out my house properly, and spent a domesticated morning pottering, and even made some stock for all the home cooking I need to do as I have little money.

I find myself drawn to blogs and sites that deal with living a greener, slower, thrifty life style, a path I really do need to go down. I spent quality time with some friends, embracing the dodgy weather this country throws at us, finding a new and beautiful place that I can't wait to visit again.

Up and downs. I guess that's the way of things. Sometimes I crave balance, but I'm sure, no, rather hopeful, that I'll find it some day.

tired.

This has been a week full of tiredness. I feel it in my bones. Not the kind of tiredness that a good nights sleep and a lazy morning can fix. More than that. Deeper than that. Not quite sure where to turn to find relief and peace kind of tired. And I'm not sure it'll go away quickly, without me doing some drastic or long needed to fix it.

My brain is exhausted and it's shown in work this week. And I can't let it. I'm managing people, services, plans activities. And I have my appraisal coming up. I need to be on top of things.

But that top, that summit, that height seems so very very far away.

So I took solace today in visiting a gem of a place, where the real world seemed miles away. It was lovely, and although it was for work, it was a welcome relief, and I came back somewhat refreshed. Still tired, but more at peace with the world. How can I not be, when such beautiful places exist?