Struggling

I admit it, for once, hands up, I struggled this week. I think the weekends have been so good, and I have been able to spend time with close friends and family, that through the week I find myself a bit lost and unsure. I need to get better at filling my evenings, I cannot sit at home every night by myself. I need to recognise that time alone in the evenings is ok, but I must be productive - books must be read, the house must be tidied and sorted, I must go for walks even when the weather is bad, put on an exercise DVD, otherwise I slump, and begin to fall into hole.

However, I will be easy on myself this week - my friend is departing these shores to somewhere vastly more exciting, and I will miss her so much. I had spent a lovely weekend with friends and family - I'm always going to be a little low after that. The nights are drawing in, and the weather has changed, the seasons have changed, and I always struggle with that at this point in the year.

So onwards, and upwards, and forwards and not down and out.

I have been productive today, I have plans, I have plans for next weekend, I have some motivation back. Thats all that matters, and I will act upon it!

settling into my new life

Since my last blog post I've continued to settle into my new life. It's funny. Life carries on as before, but I'm continually adjusting to what my life now is.

Funny, it's the small things - cooking for one, making do with what I have in the house, pleasing myself in the evenings, and weirdly, taking more effort to look after the house. The cat has joined me in bed now, which is nice, apart from when he wants to wake me up. Remembering my keys every time I leave the house is now a habit I have to form.

And yes, there are lows. Not as many as I thought there would be, but some nonetheless.

And bigger changes to come, with new jobs in the horizon, friends travelling....and I don't want to lose the whole feeling that my life has opened up and life is exciting. I've felt that I'm losing that a little this week, and there's a slippery slope I don't want to go down, so I need to find ways to turn that around.

It may just be that autumn is upon us. And we never even got a summer.

it really is time to have a life.

I had a glance through all my blog posts, and realised, that without knowing, I had been talking about the major choices I have made this summer. I didn't even know I was making them, until I did, but I quite clearly, subconciously have had them on my mind for quite some time.

Anyway, I face the tail end of summer as a new single lady (he did put a ring on it, but I chose to take it off). It's a huge change. Sorry, that should read, a HUGE change. I sitll have my cat, which is something indeed. In fact, thats who I now share a bed with. I'm still working in my job (although that will change in winter), and I have been embraced by a huge outpouring of love and support by all my family and friends. It's been an uplifting thing in an otherwise horrible situation. Horrible, but necessary.

So now....the future. Wow, a little overwhelming, but exciting nonetheless. Good days, bad days, strange days. Right now I just deal with what comes my way, and accept feelings of all kinds are fleeting.

So today. The sun is shining, I'm going to watch some rugby and I have lovely plans for coffee and chats with friends tomorrow. My cat is happy and well, I get to spend some time with family today. Life's pretty good.

a weekend of ups and downs

Not even a week since my last post and I've gone through some ups and downs. Currently, I would perhaps say I'm on a reasonable even keel. How long that will last, will be anyones guess.

Two more days of work to get through and at least one will be easier than the other. A weekend with some promise of friends, music, company and drink. A house that's a little tidier than it was. I can see the end in sight in sorting it out. The prospect of some time with family thats well needed.

Reading this, I may come across as a bit doom and gloom, but I've come to realise I'm just worn out. I so often underestimate the effect of what goes on in my life, but I'm slowly and surely recognising and acknoledging it. Whether it'll help, I know not. Time will tell. I think the question is how long do I give it?

Being a grown up is a scary thing. I'd occasionally like someone else to make the choices for me. But that won't happen.

Appraisals

...are horrible things. Currently working from home this afternoon (a very rare thing) and am using the peace to start writing my part of my appraisal. This is a scary one for me, not because the person doing it will be horrible to me, far from it, but because all my staff have to give feedback which is then given to me. I will really hear what they think about me. First time as a manager. I think I'm allowed to be nervous, regardless of how well I think I'm doing.

And the tiredness continues. More bad news, from someone close to me, about their health, weighs heavy on my soul. It's hard going, but not as hard as it is for them, so I keep things in perspective and vow again to look after myself better. Not that it would make any difference to them what they did, this is illness that has no explanation, but I should do everything in my power to do the best for me that I can.

So the good...as we should try to acknowledge that there is some in the world.
The sun is shining a little today. And I spent an evening meeting a new kitten this week. It's a bit like meeting a new baby, a new little soul into the world, so cute, so full of wonder and very very adorable. My cat looked like a giant when I returned home. My friend returns from holiday soon, it will be nice to see her. And the finanical burden is eased a little. Every penny helps.

the tiredness has passed

but in it's place a whole new can of worms has been opened, involving me needing to do serious thinking, talking, sharing. I'm not sure where this path will take me. Occasionally my mind wants to just do nothing, to continue along the path I'm going, but then I think back to the past few weeks, months and realise that apathy is an easy way to deal with things, because otherwise I have to make huge life changing decisions. And I'm not sure if I want to, if I'm really ready to, but I think I can no longer always continue on the path I'm on.

Maybe I just need to come through this process in order to deal with feeling about the situation I find myself in, to learn to adjust to what life has dealt me. Because I wasn't expecting what I've been given, and I find it unfair, unjust.

On the plus point, I've begun to tidy and sort out my house properly, and spent a domesticated morning pottering, and even made some stock for all the home cooking I need to do as I have little money.

I find myself drawn to blogs and sites that deal with living a greener, slower, thrifty life style, a path I really do need to go down. I spent quality time with some friends, embracing the dodgy weather this country throws at us, finding a new and beautiful place that I can't wait to visit again.

Up and downs. I guess that's the way of things. Sometimes I crave balance, but I'm sure, no, rather hopeful, that I'll find it some day.

tired.

This has been a week full of tiredness. I feel it in my bones. Not the kind of tiredness that a good nights sleep and a lazy morning can fix. More than that. Deeper than that. Not quite sure where to turn to find relief and peace kind of tired. And I'm not sure it'll go away quickly, without me doing some drastic or long needed to fix it.

My brain is exhausted and it's shown in work this week. And I can't let it. I'm managing people, services, plans activities. And I have my appraisal coming up. I need to be on top of things.

But that top, that summit, that height seems so very very far away.

So I took solace today in visiting a gem of a place, where the real world seemed miles away. It was lovely, and although it was for work, it was a welcome relief, and I came back somewhat refreshed. Still tired, but more at peace with the world. How can I not be, when such beautiful places exist?

a week on....

And it's been a work full of appointments,vets, drs, meetings at work and all the other chaos that comes with managing. The challenges it presents continues to grow, but I am happy to embrace it. Flagging on Friday, but I think that was just a Friday tired feeling, and I'm rejuvinated by an evening spent at friends, having dinner drinking wine, being silly. It was a good night. Bolstered by plans for lunch and dinner tomorrow.

The struggles. Finances, budgeting and planning. I thought I was doing well, but not so much. I think I can reclaim it back and manage but it won't be easy. But the plus side is that I'm not so much wasting money as opposed to spending it on things that benefit the ones I love. So I can't complain really.

Time to get ready!

this weekend

was better than I thought. I really had a week made up of small annoyances. Tiny things that add up to me feeling the need to vent and rant on Friday. But at the same time, totally appreciate the challenges that come with my job, and relish the opportunities that annoyances bring. Weird eh? But I guess thats why I went for the job I'm in. I was getting worried it was getting a little boring, mundane. I'm glad things have been shaken up a bit.

I'm not one of those people in life that relish sameness, or mundaneness. I know people (some of my friends) love things to be the same, don't like new challenges. I am the opposite. As the years go by, I realise how much I like new things, challenges, things that push me out my comfort zone. Obviously not everything, but in my career and studies, thats what I look for. I think I need to look at that a bit more in my personal life, as I can't constantly change up my career, sometimes, a period of time at a certain thing is needed for consistency (with staff/service users) and to gain experience.

Time to find something new to do in my spare time I think!

chicken soup for the soul....

came in the form of wine, beer, football and fantastic company for me this weekend. And it really came at the right time (especially when I read back at my last entry). Friday I spent becoming organised, something I had been procrastinating about. However, unsurprisingly this meant a lighter hearted me, one that was more positive about life and my financial situation. Friday night was spent in the company of good friends, nice dinner and lovely wine. And some drunken choones.

Sat was spent loving the game of football, enjoying my teams success, and having a ball. I talked before about sport and about how rarely the feelings of joy and success come with the teams I support. Well this weekend, that changed and it was worth it. Great afternoon.

Saturday night was spent much like Friday night, and was fantastic.

Off the back of that, my working week has so far been great. It's nice to enjoy work, even with the difficult challeneges it presents. I'm very much in a new role, although I have experience and training to back it up. Still sometimes new things appear and new things introduce some scary feelings. Last week I was not so much up for that, this week, off the back of a wonderful weekend, I am more so.

Oh and I finished it up with a cuddle from a lovely baby. Baby smiles are the best!

up and down...

Ever have those kind of days? I always thought I was the more long term cycle kind of person, but it appears I do have these days where I swing wildely from up to down in the space of not hours but minutes. Today was very much one of those days. Started off bad, got worse, got really quite good, blipped again, began to improve, got crap and is ending on an even keel. In that, I have a million things on my mind and heart, and a million things on my to do list. And even in writing this, I realise I've forgotten another thing I need to do. Good thing it's not even half ten yet, and I only have to leave by about quarter to 8. The joys.

I am however learning. I am going to try and take an a/l day this week for my sanity. Too long have I tried to go too long without giving myself a break or time to do the things I need to. It's my weakness, I fight on. I fight on in my mind - this relates to the last blog post - and I don't share. And by not sharing I just continue doing. And then I end up tired, stressed and depressed. Not a good place for me to be, as it takes too long to get out of there.

And you know what? Don't want to go there. I am enjoying life too much, and I want to face up to the challenges before me in a positive frame of mind, able to take them on.

Maybe it's age, but I feel a sensibleness and wisdom come upon me realising this.

Also, spotify. Good for the soul. Tunes all night, it's been a blessing.

Beer: the cause of and solution to all of lifes problems

Ah Homer. Such words of wisdom.

Yesterday my friend and I decided beer was indeed the solution to all of lifes problems. And I think it worked. I certainly woke up with a lighter heart and happier spirit. That may not be so much because of beer, but rather because my repressed soul needs a bit of oiling before I open up about whats going on. Therefore an afternoons drinking in the sun with a good friend meant a load shared, and some wisdom imparted to me. Just what the dr ordered.

I am the worst in the world for not 'telling' people whats on my heart. I am the worlds best at getting out of others what I never share. It's my skill in life, and I've made a career out of it, which is great. What is not so great is how deep in my head I go. It's my nature. Some times it serves me well, other times it's backfired horribly. I try, as the years go on, to share when needed, to not be afraid to say things out loud. Because, for me, once they are out loud, they become truth. I need to accept thats ok.

And this week, beer helped.

And I wasn't even hungover. Result.

You know you're in your thirties when you spend the afternoon in the park with friends and no alcoholic drink is involved. That, and you're in the minority being childless.

I joke, it was a lovely day, and my friends children are adorable. I did say I was happy not to have any. I might have looked like I had two heads on at the point in time. Ah, I'm undecided, but I err on the side of really not now, and not in the near future, at this point in time. And I'm ok with that. I'm ok, because I have other things going on, other things that would make having a children a difficult and horrible experience for me, and I'm not really prepared to put myself through it. I am aware that sounds selfish, and yes, there is no good time to have a child, you're never ready. But I can safely say, now is by far not a good time, and it would be foolishness and naivety of me to think otherwise.

And also, I'm not actually broody. I'd rather have a dog.

I realised in my last post...

I never mentioned the 6 Nations that I was so looking forward to. What a disappointment that was! Truely quite sad. I got last minute tickets to a game I had such high hopes for and I honestly could have sobbed, we were that bad. Oh the pain.

Some people say you need to experience the lowest of lows before you can truely appreciate the highs. I will say this. In life I agree with this. In sport, I do not. Because sometimes, with some teams, all you do is experience the lowest of lows. Consistently. And that, you have to live with. Regardless. (Team swapping is not an option).

So it's over. Summer tests, then a world cup to look forward to. Bring it on.

truely awful ...

....at writing blog posts.

I feel like a grown up for sure. I spent the day at training with managers and realised I am one. I also got a wonderful compliment about my career from a man who interviewed me really boosted me. I think sometimes we need a little unexpected something to help us on our way. It's nice to know someone who didn't give you a job really did mean the reasons he gave, and despite not choosing you, still believes in your abilities. It confirmed to me that the things that have worked out, really have worked out for the best.

I have also come to the conclusion that my 30's are going to be pretty damn good. Being 30 has been good so far, and I'm pretty sure that it will continue to be that way. I know that, because even though things are good, life is still throwing some crap at my direction. However, I can deal with this. It's all good really. Or even if it's not, I can handle it.

I was reading another blog today that spoke of goals and the importance of them. I can't agree enough. These past two years have been full of study and aiming for something. I got it, and I did it well, and I got the promotion I wanted as a result of it. Now where to go? Thats the big question and one I can't quite answer yet. All I know is I'm on the path to where I want to go, I just have to figure out the final destination.

a few weeks on...

and I'm still settling into the 9-5 routine. I'm managing, and the mornings and nights are getting lighter, the days longer, and that does wonders for me. I not longer drive to work in the dark (although I still get up in the dark), and I get to drive for a little while home whilst it's still light. I look forward to summer driving, through the country roads, music playing and windows open. I can't wait for evenings where I can drive to my friends house and go for walks round the loch before heading home. I can't begin to explain how excited I'll be when I can wear flip flops again.
All good things come to those who wait.

And how has life been? Very ill cat (again), quite poorly husband. Cat has recovered - I swear you would never think he almost died, and he is oblivious to the panic we went through. Hearing a vet say, we should maybe put him down, are words I know now every pet owner dreads. Thats now twice I've sobbed my way through a vet appointment. Ah well, he's recovered, and remains a joy in our life, and our bank balance takes the hit.

And I continue to be grateful for good friends, that have shown time and time again recently that they care, that they remain supportive, and that I can turn to them for understanding and advice. There's been no big drama, but slow rumbling issues in parts of my life. For the most part I can cope with all the shit, but occasionally I get the anger over it. And my friends have been there to share in my anger, which makes all the difference, doesn't it. It's great to share not only the bad, but the good, and I'm pleased I have people in my life that I can do that with.

And to top it all of, the 6 nations has begun. Ahhh, bliss. A year of rugby starts. Seriously happy about this. It's awesome.

the last post...

was written in a bit of fury. I can't deny that those feelings are mine, and they are not ones that will go away. Life has improved for me, and our money situation will as well.

This week has improved my mood. It helps to reconnect with friends, even the ones that I feel inferior to in terms of money. I spent time in the company of a couple of cute babies, enjoyed my working week, and made some plans for the future which I look forward to.

Last night I helped my oldest friend turn thirty. We have known each other since we were four! We went through primary and high school together, remained friends through all the years we went different places and did different things. We ended up living quite close together, which has been wonderful. Last night was a fantastic evening. Dinner for seven, interesting conversation, hilarious moments, great food, flowing drinks...it was a good way to celebrate. Neither one of us can believe that we both turn thirty this year - it feels like yesterday we were having parties at our houses for our birthdays when we turned 7 or 8! I hope to remain friends with her for a very long time to come. It will be wonderful to spend most of my life as friends, how often do we get to do that!

what to do...

when you're so much poorer than all your friends?

You would think I would be used to it after 3/4 years of this being the case. However, it never less painful, and with time more frustrating and difficult. Ah, I know it's rant, but its just the way things are. However, the more it goes on, the more I find myself isolating myself, and the more frustrated I get when other people just move on with their lives, and I am not included. I get why, it just hurts. And the money situation is out of my control, and always will be. Thats probably the hardest thing to accept.